Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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