Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My balls are so social today.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
