FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
