i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
