I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
