Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize