i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
