Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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