Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
