i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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