I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
