The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
