is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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