i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
