is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
