Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
