I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
