Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
