why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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