Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
