sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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