batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
4 words: hood of his car
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
