Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
