you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
