I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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