It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
