Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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