I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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