I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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