Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
