Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
