He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
