Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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