Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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