morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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