Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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