ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
