I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
i need some magic done to my vagina
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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