I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
