...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
