I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
