I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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