I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
