When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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