my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize