Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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