ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
