I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Semen is not good for contacts.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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