I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
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