i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
