Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
