I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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