ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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