I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
