the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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