ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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