She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
