Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
