If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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