just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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