every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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